Sunday, 12 October 2014

Losing me

So that feeling is finally hit me... The 'I'm a mom and nothing else' feeling. 

The 'I'm now stuck for life' feeling

The 'I can't ever be irresponsible and wild and free' feeling

The 'what the fuck have I done' feeling....

It's been creeping up on me fo a while now.... Maybe because I've had a lot of work pressure and not being able to cope without damn near killing myself might have something to do with it.... Sure taking on less work is an option... But it's a tough option...

And it's not just related to work... It's the feeling of being stuck... Of not having an independent thought,... It's a feeling of loosing me myself and my identity.... Somehow just being Siddy ki mummy is seeming a bit suffocating... 

Don't get me wrong and anyone who by now is thinking "what a horrible mom why can't she just leave her work and act like an adult" can please just leave...

This post isn't about me not loving Siddy it isn't about me not being happy to have him in my life it sure as hell isn't about oh my god my career is screwed because I have a kid...

Nope it's just me missing the Alishka I was....missing the free spirit the fun the crazy Alishka I remember...

I don't do silly stuff, I think ten times before I do anything... I don't make random plans to just go out with friends... I don't stay up late watching junk on tv... I'm always just too tired...or I have an early morning,,, the reasons are vague and stupid... But somehow I just don't do things like I did before...

Hell my first doobie happened post Siddy simply because I wanted to do something mad and stupid... Because I felt like a super practical responsible mommy and I wanted to break out of that...

The point isn't to do stupid irresponsible things... The point is to stop myself from loosing me...

I'm sure lots of girls feel this... When everyday revolves around a kid and thier needs... Right from food to changing diapers to entertaining them... You forget yourself .... 

This feeling is natural... And like the post delivery depression I think this low feeling is inevitable when you have a toddler.... Your every though is about him... And by the end of the day you are just so exhausted.... 

Do you know I was searching my phone for a picture of me to put as my profile pic and I couldn't find a single one ... Not one picture of me on my phone... All of the puchka and my work... And any pic of my with him, I look like I have died....

I need a break...even a short break will do... Even a quite cup of coffee at a coffee shop alone with a book will do.... Maybe that's what I'll do tomorrow take a short break.. And find myself again, 


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