Wednesday, 4 December 2013


Years ago, someone, not a pundit, but some one who could read palms had told me that I would have a miscarriage first and then a boy. 

In February 2012, I missed a period and was ecstatic!!  Clearly I had forgotten all about this "prediction" or whatever and I was jumping for joy. 

I told Aadi all excited and super happy, we secretly went and visited a gynac and got me started on my meds. 

There was a wedding in the family, Aadi's first cousin sister who is really close to him. So we decided to not share the news during the wedding as it would not be fair on her. It was her day after all!!! 

So we pushed off to Delhi for her wedding. Somehow Aadi convinced his parents that we would go by train, since we read it was the safest way for a preggie girl to travel. ( not sure that is entirely true though) 

During the pre wedding celebrations, I was extra careful. I tried to not jump around too much or dance too much. I didn't attend all the fun parties at night because I would be tempted to drink!!!!

It wasn't easy as most of the cousins were there and a wedding of such a close sister, it's difficult to not be a part of the masti :( 

I'm sure everyone thought I was being a big party pooper!!! 

But what was getting tough was lying to Aadi's mum. She of course couldn't understand why I wasn't dancing on every song for the sangeet, which I usually would do!!! So before she started thinking that i was being all stuffy and uppity!! We decided to tell her. 

So we bought a baby bottle and handed it to her!!! Oh she was so so so happy she had tears in her eyes!!!! Funnily my mum was there as well for the wedding, so we told her also! 

From then on it became easier for me too avoid too much dancing and stuff. 

But something deep inside me wasn't ok.  I knew at some point something was not right. 

Luckily there was a clinic below our guest house. I remember telling Aadi that something didn't feel right and I wanted to get a sonography done. 

So we went down and got one done, but there was no heart beat. The doc said it was fine, because he could see the little foetus, and sometimes, if it's too soon, or the heartbeat is too soft, it doesn't come up in the test. 

I went thru the rest of the wedding in a trance of sorts, because like I said I just knew something was off. 

My heart was just not in the celebrations. 

We came back to Jaipur, my brother came to visit. By then I had had another sonography and there was just no heartbeat. 

Finally the doc said, that 'it' would have to be removed. 

Now I knew there was no heartbeat which meant that whatever it was, it wasn't a real baby. It had no hands and feet, no eyes no ears. It was just a group of cells, dead cells actually. 

It was a simple straight forward operation. Took all of twenty minutes and I was home by evening. 

But a piece of my heart had broken that day. 

I don't think any logic works for us women. Heartbeat or no heartbeat, I had felt pregnant... I had felt that I had inside me my own precious little thing. And while everyone told me it was nothing, I knew it was something. 

Nothing melodramatic followed, luckily being me, I dropped those emotions as quickly as I had had them. 

For me, things that hurt me, I don't get rid of, I keep them inside me, to help me grow, to help me learn, to help me understand people and life a little better. But I don't wallow in those emotions and thoughts, I don't let them make me angry and hate doesn't take over.

So I took this incident, along with a trip to Bombay and Bali!!! And I moved on. 

In a few months, once again I would miss my period. Once again I would feel that I had in me something that was more precious than anything in this entire universe.... this time, when I heard that heartbeat, I can't even tell you the emotions that ran thru my entire body like a current!! 

And here he is.... My little heartbeat!!! 

Ps: this person had also told me what I would have next, a boy or a girl, but for the life of me I can't seem to remember!!!!

Pps: a lot of people are super superstitious about miscarriages... They tell you to not speak of them but I think otherwise. I think of how it helps you appreciate and be grateful for when you are blessed with a little bumling.